The Ministry of Safety

In light of this week's tragic events, it has come to the attention of this Ministry that Americans are just not safe.
All guns will be banned effective immediately.
This means you, citizen. Please turn in all firearms to your local police station.
Of course, to truly insure that every citizen lives a completely danger-free life, this is not enough, so the Ministry has also enacted the following bans:
Gasoline will no longer be available for public use.
Automobiles henceforth shall be illegal. Individual transportation is wasteful and environmentally destructive anyway. Use public transportation.
A nationwide ban on chemical fertilizers will also be enforced. Use compost. It's much better for Mother Earth.
Air transportation shall also be banned. Travel by air shall be restricted to government and military only. There are plenty of teleconference tools available in today's world for you businesspeople, and as for tourism, why would any citizen want to leave this, the greatest nation on earth anyway? Such desires are suspect and possibly seditious. If you must travel across the nation, use Greyhound.
While the Ministry of Safety understands that water is necessary for life, it will now be considered a controlled substance. The consumption and of water will be strictly regulated, with each consumer being placed on a national registry. There will be a 10 day waiting period to purchase this deadly substance.
While the Ministry is aware that these bans may be somewhat onerous initially, your cooperation is expected in the never ending quest to make us all safe.
It's for the common good.
Citizens, you must understand that the government has only your best interests at heart. Government exists to protect the people.